Day 7

We were sent on a mission today. My group was sent to hold ford at the river until the rest of the men met us there. From there we were going to cross the river and go into battle. A real battle! I find it hard to believe that boys like me, who have just barely learned where the bullet comes out of, are expected to go to battle. Just a couple days ago I learned how not to shoot myself and others around me, but I still don’t feel confident with a gun. I know I am not a good soldier, and I will probably never be one. Lolo and Ignacio and Juan can fire a gun without any problems. They can kill the loyalists and won’t feel guilty about it. They are real soldiers. Once we reached the river, Lolo and I were sent to signal if anything came our way. When we saw a boat, the sergeant told us to start firing, and I did. I did it. I killed an actual human being, maybe more. Last time we were on patrol and I was ordered to kill a man. I never did because I was too scared. I didn’t have the guts to shoot someone. Today, I did it. Lolo and Ignacio and the rest may be proud, but I will never be proud of what I did today. I think it’s dreadful how soldiers kill villagers and take the rest of their lives away from them, and today, I just did the same thing. I killed a group of men who had lives ahead of them, and who knows, they could have been my age. I won’t forget the sickening feeling and blood curdling screams of the men as each got hit by the fatal bullet. I won’t pity killing the loyalists, but I will never be proud of myself either.
http://kassandraproject.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/child-soldiers_7866.jpg